Notes from the Underground #16: Doubt

Growing up, people always used to say "time flies when you're having fun", but now that I am older I realise time just goes by so quickly that it doesn't matter what you are doing and it's for a variety of reasons that my time has passed very quickly and it has been over a month since my last note from the underground. 

In the past I would have left the blog and not come back to it but these notes really help me and just being able to write them, helps me more than I know. 

Today's card comes from Upon a Burning Body, who spookily enough where the subject of the last note. 

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Quite the language in this lyric, but I think that it adds to the powerful nature of what is being said and I come at this one from a different angle to most people. 

On the pure level of just reading this it will stand out to everyone who feels like people are always saying things behind their back; the whispers in the night that they can't do something, aren't good enough or going nowhere in life. It is easy to just say the lyric, but another thing to believe it and not let what people say hurt us. We are all human and words do hurt. But at the core it is a true message for us to worry less about what people think and to be happy with ourselves and then nothing else matters. 

The last time I remember someone who doubted me it was for the company This is Lancashire TV where I got an interview to do on-air presenting and filming. I went to Manchester for the interview and the lady conducting the "Interview", besides running around doing her hair, decided to openly tell me that I wouldn't be able to do on camera presenter work due to my hair (it was red at the time) and that I wouldn't be able to go out filming because of the tattoo's on my hands. 

I imagine they have forgotten about it and the funny thing was that it took them over a week to get back to me, when she said she would message me I had to message to get the response, and when I asked for feedback from the interview, nothing came back. 

It has been moments like that, when I have been doubted for how I look, that make me stronger and I remember at the time just finding it funny. Its the 21st century but people still think by having tattoos you somehow lose the ability to do normal things. But I have used that doubt to just think "you know what? You've lost out on someone who would work really hard and bring new ideas to the table". 

I wouldn't want to work for a company who judges people on looks and doubts them for it. Which is why I want to work for myself and do something I enjoy. 

But for me the main angle comes from a depression stand point of it being my darkness which is whispering and drip feeding me all the negative that I think about myself. When other people say something it plays on your mind and many can forget it and move on. 

In the past I have been able to forget it, but my darkness has always collated the data and kept it together, waiting to take over and feed it back to me. However, all the blame isn't just on other people, I have always been a little too self-critical on myself and that helps the darkness gather even more things to punish me with. 

One of the better examples I can think of is when I am going to do something new. If I can get out of the house and ignore the doubt, I am fine and will walk through the door to a meeting, class etc but when new things are approaching I start to get anxious and the darkness will start a nice videotape highlight reel of negative thoughts: 

"Your a weirdo, no one will want to speak with you"
"Pointless going as you will fail"
"Can you really do this? If you go and mess it up, you'll look stupid"
"People will judge you, you've got no chance of success"
"You are rubbish at everything you do". 

There is most probably more, but I forget when I am content and happy with situations. It does make me see that if I look back on all the times this has happened and I have gone through with something it is never as bad or negative as my mind plays it out to be. When I am out and about, people can judge me but it won't bother me because I have my own values and standards which I set myself too. 

So, for me, this lyric is aimed more at my own personal demons and how I am learning to tell it to them. They can whisper in the dark and say that I am a bad person or not good enough, when I know that I can be successful and happy when I put my mind too it. 

It's never nice to be doubted or have people talk about you in a negative way, but what we can do is tell ourselves that if we are happy with what we are doing or have done in life, that nobody elses opinion matters. Nobody else has to walk in our shoes, so if we focus on that, life can be a little easier. 

It doesn't change over night; I know that I still have the really low days where I let a comment affect me or feel really negative, but I'm trying to tell myself that I'm human and fine. Or I talk to somebody; sometimes the best thing can be getting it out there to somebody non-judgmental who can help you to work through what has been said, how you feel about it and how to move past it. 

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