Notes from the Underground #11: "In Between"

As always the notes from the underground speak to me more than they should when I come to write these posts and I feel like it should be something I do personally on a daily basis more, especially as this week I have gone back to old habits and am feeling so heavy inside and just wanting to raise my middle finger to the world and just disappear...but, alas, I am still here and hoping to help myself, and others, through Beartooth and their song "In Between" (Which is blasting in my ears as I write this).

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Everything about this song sums up the battle with depression and the everyday struggle we all face; especially when they say "Everybody gets high, everybody gets low" and this is something I forgot when the darkness over takes me and I feel like it is just me being consumed by my own pain, when everyone has little battles to take on each day.

But we aren't going through the whole song in the post, just the above lyric which is what I needed to hear this morning (well see to begin with). I think if the lyric just said "Don't let your mindset become what controls you", it would be strong at all. What makes the band stand out is that they say it and follow it up with the main way to fight your demons...TALKING.

I can't preach about talking because alot of the time I go through the battle alone; my normal process is to let the darkness take over, have its time and wash over me. Is this the best way to deal with it? Erm No, but sometimes I don't like repeating the same things to the people who know me because I always imagine they will be thinking "Ah christ, not this again, I thought we were past it". Do they do that? I highly doubt it; they want to help me but that dark side of the brain feeds me the negative to believe and not seek help when I need it.

I think one of the big things that stops me from talking sometimes, and alot of people, is the fear that you will tell someone who doesn't believe in depression and thinks that it's a lie, can be beaten out of you, or random things like a job can solve it. I am learning that MOST PEOPLE, whether they have experienced it or not, will want to listen and help in anyway they can. The hardest part is that depression is internal and unless people see your cuts, they won't know anything is wrong and think you are just making it up for attention, but don't be put off by those people; stick to the people you value.

'Speaking right now' isn't going to solve all the problems in an instant, we know that life doesn't work like that, but for me my darkness can feel like a weight and make me feel like I'm dragging around this hidden burden, but just by talking to someone and engaging about anything, it gives temporary respite from the pain and allows you to feel normal for a while and a chance to step away from what is bothering you.

This can then help, because you will feel more comfortable and want to open up more with the people who are closest with you or helping you in that moment. It is a start and allows you to move at your own pace away from that darkness.

From counselling with Kay, at Karma Minds, I have learnt that we always have the choice to change our mindset and get to a place where we are content and happy with what is happening. The hardest thing I think about our mindset is that it's only the individual who can ultimately change it. You can take on all the information, but if its not put into practice, nothing will happen. It is about realising your worth, telling it to yourself, and giving it time to become normal and something you can aim to become better at in the future. 

I am working slowly on doing it and i'll admit its hard. Telling myself I'm worthy and a good person, feels horrible. I feel like I am being too cocky and need to shut up; but I know deep down it is the truth; I am a good person and can become somebody, I just need to have that belief.

The song also says: "We have strength in numbers, to get us through the day" and whatever happens, there is always others who have been through what you have and are always willing to help you get through the day and push to higher ground.

This post is getting longer and longer and I sure hope it makes sense; but the key message I want to relay is that just by talking, you can begin to feel better. Whether that is in the very darkest sense of wanting to end your own life or just wanting to vent about a bad day at work, there are people around who want to listen. No problem is too big or small and getting it out in the open allows you to work out how you can deal with them and move forward.