Notes from the Underground #10: "August Burns Red"

It's crazy to think that today is the eighth month of the year...where does the time go? The random start to the month has provided me with a band tie in, in the form of August Burns Reds and their song 'Cutting the ties'.

This note from the underground is especially meaningful as honestly right now I am not feeling my best and I am hoping that by writing this it helps to peak me up a little bit.

note 10jpg

This note reads so easy and resonate's so well with me right now. On the inside I have a war going on where I want to stand my ground and fight, but then I have the darkness telling me that it would be best to take the easy way out and just give up.

I can only talk from my own experiences of having that feeling of just wanting to pack everything up, but reading this note is something which makes me go 'Yeah it would be easy and a hell of a lot safer'. I feel that by taking the easy way out and just giving up and going back to bed would save me a lot of the disappointment and feelings of dread which overcome me. That is somewhere I feel safe and the only thing that can get to me there is my own darkness.

However, deep inside I do know that even though giving up would ease some of the pain, it wouldn't fully cure the pain. It would just send me further and further into a spiral of darkness and I don't think I'd ever try anything again and the negativity would increase and my self-worth and thoughts of suicide would increase. I would continually beat myself up for not doing anything and the hatred would continue to consume me.

Somewhere inside of me when I am feeling down and like I don't have anything left to give, is a little voice which is telling me to push through it; that by doing more, I am standing up and fighting, even if it is just getting up and travelling over to Preston to do this blog. It's a small step but it's a big leap forward.

I do truly believe that this note can speak to anyone, in any situation we are faced with. In psychology, and the mental health classes I've done, they talk about fight or flight...and August Burns Red are talking about this here...the easy way out is the flight, putting our problems on the back burner and saying that we will 'deal with them later' and in some cases we never do and that makes us feel even worse.

There are times to take the flight option, there is nothing wrong with knowing our own limitations and not pressing on with something; whether it's a friend who just constantly annoys us or a job where more and more work is piled upon us. The easy thing in any situation is to please other people or not face the problem/person, but we are stronger than that. We are walking this earth for only a small period of time and by standing up to fight our own 'demons' we are showing that we are strong and that nothing can phaze us.

I always feel like I'm an imposter when I am talking about things which I only know from my own battles and I've had my fair share of times when I have taken the easy way out; mainly it involves me avoiding everything I have planned and doing nothing. But I've learnt that by avoiding the problems in my life, I make myself feel worse afterwards. At the time of the decision I feel great as the pressure is relieved but then when I think more and more about what I should have done, I feel worse because I know nothing bad would have happened if I had tackled something head on.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes; there are times we have to take the easy way out, it does make more sense, but we should remember that by fighting just a little bit, it builds the self-worth and confidence to push us forward and towards our goals.

When I am feeling off kilter, I get in my own head and feel like I shouldn't feel like this anymore. I should be happy, grateful for the opportunities and people in my life. but my darkness just leaves this feeling of worthlessness and holding the door open for me to walk through and run from my problems. Lucky for me August Burns Red popped up and took me away from my thoughts for a while to write this. I'm not saying I am feeling 100% and bouncing around the propeller hub, that's not a sight anyone wants to see!, but it is getting me to think that by writing this and thinking about how far I've come, I'm doing well.

For anyone out there who is struggling with anything in their life, you should congratulate yourself for how well you have done to get to this point and are not taking the easy way out; you are fighting for that promotion, to get into uni, to save a relationship or even end one, to push on through injury, to put on a brave face or just to get out of bed and face the day. You are taking one small step towards your goals/happiness and for that I salute you, as it's never an easy thing to do but they always outweigh the negative steps and one day we will look back and see that by testing ourselves and fighting through the pain, we have come out stronger.